John 21:3 • I Am Going Fishing
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(This transcript was prepared using software tools and has not been reviewed for complete accuracy.)
Let me ask that you would look now in your bibles at John 21, the last chapter of the book of John, John 21, as we will be looking at verses 1-14. If you're a kid, if you're a parent, if you're a grandparent and you're an aficionado of Shrek movies, you know that there's a particular convention that those movies began, and now lots of movies are following. It happens after the credits, after the trademark roll. What's the final thing that happens? One more scene. Usually a preview of the sequel that will be coming. Once you think it's all done, all finished, suddenly there's something more. Well, it's not really a modern convention. It actually happens in the gospel of John, too. I mean, if you think of it, at the end of John chapter 20, you'd think it was all done. John says, "Jesus did many more miracles, but I recorded these so that you would believe and by believing would have eternal life." You'd think, "Well, that's the end; he said his piece." But then, suddenly, we're off and running again. There's another account that happens, and it's John chapter 21. Why? Well, maybe a hint is this: Over the last six or eight months we'd been working our way through the "I Am" statements of the gospel of John. And all of those statements to this point have been made by Jesus. Now in John 21 there is an "I Am" statement not by Jesus but by one of His disciples. Jesus is still in the scene, but the spotlight has gently shifted from Christ Himself to now the expectation of His disciples. See what you think the expectations are as we read John 21 verses 1-14. Let me ask that you stand as we read the Lord's Word. John 21, "After this Jesus revealed himself again to the disciples by the Sea of Tiberias, and he revealed himself in this way. Simon Peter, Thomas, called the Twin, Nathanael of Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two others of his disciples were together. Simon Peter said to them, 'I am going fishing.' They said to him, 'We will go with you.' They went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them, 'Children, do you have any fish?' They answered him, 'No.' He said to them, 'Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.' So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, 'It is the Lord!' When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment, for he was stripped for work, and threw himself into the water. The other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far off from the land, but about a hundred yards off. When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread. Jesus said to them, 'Bring some of the fish that you have just caught.' So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, 153 of them. And although there were so many, the net was not torn. Jesus said to them, 'Come and have breakfast.' Now none of the disciples dared ask him, 'Who are you?' They knew it was the Lord. Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and so with the fish. This was now the third time that Jesus was revealed to the disciples after he was raised from the dead." Let's pray together. >>> Heavenly Father, we thank You for the words of scripture grand and plain, sometimes so straightforward, so human in what they express to us that we can almost pass by the words and not recognize the great grace that is being revealed. Would You this day show us again plainly Christ's love for us that we, being equipped by His grace, might be prepared to tell others of that love as well? Grant us the blessing of the word made clear. This we ask in Jesus' name. Amen. >>> Please be seated. This last week, Kathy and I were not here because we were actually visiting with two different mission organizations. First, we were on the board working with World Harvest Mission, a mission agency that's changing its name to Surge. And the reason is because so many of the missionaries of World Harvest Mission serve in what we identify as closed countries: that is, they would not receive those who have technically the label of missionary upon them. In fact, to be a missionary in those countries would be quite dangerous. And so the name is changing to Surge, and people who work under Surge often go in as business people or educators into nations in which it might be dangerous to be proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ. And we're privileged to be on that board. We went from there to the Czech Republic, and there we worked with Josiah Venture. And that in itself was inspiring. Josiah Venture is a mission organization primarily ministering to the youth of formerly communist countries. That means we had missionaries from fifteen nations who were gathering, mostly young families, all dealing with the young people of formerly atheist countries and seeing tremendous blessing often against tremendous odds and great hardship. We were inspired by being with those people. Among them are Mel and Amy Ellenwood who are actually out of this church. And so we were just, at that moment, again felt the privilege of being part of a church with such a mission emphasis and then serving with some of those missionaries on the field. When the conference was over, the Ellenwood's took us to the pretty sites near them. We went to Prague and enjoyed the beauty of that city. And then they took us to another site that was near them: Auschwitz, the restored Nazi concentration camp where one point two million Jews, Poles and gypsies were murdered in World War II. Sobering, difficult to walk through, and a reminder of the importance of the gospel: That when people simply turn their hearts to evil, the evil is almost incomprehensible in its greatness and force. As we thought of that great evil, we had to come home to us not just by seeing the magnitude of the slaughter but by hearing some of the individual stories of what happened to families. One particular man, Solomon Rosenberg, was taken not only with his wife and children but with his mother and his father to the hard labor camp. The rules were clear: You work, you live; you weaken, you die. His parents were taken for extermination almost immediately upon getting off the train. His wife and two children taken to the women's side of the camp beyond barbwire from where the men were kept. But he could keep some track of them because the men and women would be marched out to labor every day to an orchestra of other prisoners who would play, and if you could keep the beat and the march, you could live; if you fell off the march, you would die. Solomon Rosenberg was particularly concerned for his youngest son, David, because David was frail, and it did not appear that he would last long. One day as the people came back from labor and they marched past the orchestra, Solomon noticed that only his oldest son was still there. And he worked his way over to where he could speak to his son and said, "What's happened?" And the older son said, "David could not keep up today, so they came for him." "Yes," said Solomon, "but where is your mother?" Said the son, "When they came for David, he got scared, and he began to cry. So mother said, 'David, you don't need to be afraid: I will go with you.' And she did." Why did that mother give herself to comfort her child? So that others would think highly of her. Because it says that you must in the manual of good mothering. Why did she give herself entirely for her child? Because she loved him. It was the power of love, which, not to be sentimental, not to be schmaltzy, but just to be plain: There is no more powerful human motivation than love. And it may explain something what's happening in this portion of John's gospel. For those of you who've given Kathy and me the privilege of being with you this past year, I think you probably recognize that it may be a little bit strange that somebody who's been working with seminarians for almost three decades has nonetheless I hope almost every week emphasized the grace of God in the scriptures, wherever we have turned. And you might think: Shouldn't we be going a little bit deeper into doctrine and duty? I mean, you know, that should be what you're doing? But, is that really so? Why the grace of God over and over again made plain? Here's the reason: Because we serve best when we love the most. And what causes us to love deeply and profoundly the Savior and to be called and fulfill the duties to which He calls us is an understanding of how great is His grace toward us. When that grace penetrates our hearts, our hearts respond in love, and that love is the fuel of gospel obedience. It's actually what is happening in this familiar passage of John 2. I know it's just about fishing and having breakfast. But grace is on display in virtually every feature. Where do you see it? You see the grace of God first displayed simply in the presence of Christ with these disciples. After all, if you just look at the first verse you remember it says there, "After this," that is after His first resurrection appearances, "Jesus revealed himself again." And then in the fourteenth verse, similar words: "This was now the third time that Jesus was revealed." He just keeps making Himself present and revealing Himself to His disciples. That's obvious. What we may have to analyze is to whom is He revealing Himself and how is that an expression of God's grace? Look at verse 2 and you may begin to get a sense of things. It's quite a cast of characters to whom Jesus is revealing Himself. First, we are told, He revealed Himself to Simon Peter. Now, we've heard about him before, right? Before His crucifixion, Simon denied Jesus how many times? Three times. And now Jesus has revealed Himself to Simon how many times? Three times. The grace sufficient for the sin. But that's not the only name. There is also Thomas, called the Twin. What do you remember about Thomas after the resurrection? While Simon denied before the crucifixion, what did Thomas do after the resurrection? What did he do? He doubted. We have one who denies; the next one doubts. The next one may be a little harder for you. Also is Nathanael of Cana in Galilee. We haven't heard of Nathanael so much in the gospel of John. His earlier appearance was way back at the beginning in the very first chapter. Jesus is beginning to draw disciples to Himself and Philip goes to Nathanael and says, "We have found the one prophesied by Moses. His name is Jesus of Nazareth." And Nathanael responds, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" It's detraction from Jesus. And you may remember that Philip and Nathanael then go to Jesus. And when they get there, Jesus says to Nathanael, "I saw you under the fig tree." Remember? "I'm not even around, but I saw when you said that about me." [Laughter] And Nathanael responds, "You are the Son of God." And Jesus says, "You call Me the Son of God because I saw you under the fig tree? I tell you, you shall see the angels ascending and descending on the Son of Man. Greater things than these you will witness." Now Nathanael witnessed Jesus after the resurrection, the same one who had detracted from Him before the public ministry even began. And two more are listed that we can identify: the sons of Zebedee. Do you remember who those were? That's James and John. And in another gospel we are told Jesus called them the sons of Thunder. I don't know who Zebedee was, but he must have been a terror. [Laughter] The sons of Thunder. And they must have been terrorized more than once. And we gain some understanding of that when you look not here but in the gospel of Luke. Here is a great catch of fish that occurs after Jesus' resurrection. But this has actually happened much earlier in Jesus' miser--, in ministry. In Jesus' ministry early on, remember, there was that time when He wanted to preach to a multitude of people. And so He's on the Sea of Galilee. And to create kind of a natural pulpit, He gets into a boat and He backs away from the shore, has Simon, James and John in the boat with Him, and He says, "Back away a little bit." And He preaches to the crowd in this kind of little amphitheater made by the boat moved away from the shore. And when He's through preaching, now this is a good thing that all preachers should know: When He's through preaching, He decides to go fishing. [Laughter] Now, the disciples try to discourage Him. They say, "We have been fishing," what? "All night. We haven't caught a thing." He says, "Go out into deeper water." And they go out into deeper water, and they catch so many fish that the nets begin to break and the boats begin to sink. And at this point, the disciples, identified as Simon and the sons of Zebedee, James and John: They are amazed. And Jesus says to them, "Do not be afraid." Actually, the same words that the angels said to the shepherd when he announced, when they announced the coming of Jesus: "Do not be afraid." You know the words actually mean, "Don't run away." They are amazed. They now say, "This is the Son of God." They have this great catch of fish. And Jesus says, "Don't run away. Don't be afraid." And now what happens again? Here, late in the ministry, who's present again? The sons of Zebedee, they're fishing again, another great catch of fish. Oh no. Are they going to be afraid again? What you begin to recognize as you look at the cast of character is Jesus is appearing to those who ought to be disqualified, they have denied, they have detracted, they have doubted, they have dreaded Him, and He comes to them. Why is that important for us? Because we are the ones ready to disqualify ourselves. Because it's Mother's Day, maybe it's just important to mention for mothers or maybe any parent that the thing we most dread about our parenting is that we will fail in some way. Not being the mother, not being the father, not being the grandparent that we ought to be: that whatever is the folly or difficulty our children will run into that we will be responsible. And we can live under a sense of guilt and doubt and dread and in that way somewhat be able not to communicate the grace of God. And so here Jesus is clearly saying that His grace is toward those who are disqualified. It's really what He has said earlier in His ministry: "I came to call not the righteous but sinners." If you're perfect, you're disqualified. Don't apply. But if you know that you struggle, if you know that there are reasons the Lord ought to deny His grace to you, those are the very ones He's saying, "I am coming for you, to make My grace, My pardon, My mercy most apparent." I think of who needs to hear that. Early in my ministry I think of a particular mother who in a period of estrangement from her husband had an association with another man that resulted in a child. She and her husband ultimately got back together, but whenever she would look at this child, the one that her husband adopted but still was not own, she said whenever she looked at her own child she felt guilt. I can remember talking to her and trying to assure her of the grace of God. And she finally said one day, "Listen, the point is not that I think that God's grace will still cover me. You must know I think that God's grace should not cover me." Some of you may be there this morning, not just wondering did God's grace cover you: You're actually saying, "I don't think it should." You must recognize Jesus came not to call the righteous but sinners. He came to call those who were disqualified. And His appearance, again and again, even to disciples who are doubting and denying and even dreading His presence is the evidence of the grace. The trajectory is this: that those who are least capable are the ones He is calling to the greatest task. Now, you know if that's the case they're going to need some help. And that's why Jesus is not just showing by His grace, by His presence but by His power that is so demonstrated in this particular account. How is the power on display? Well, you know that. It's on display. [Chuckles] By the fish in the net. Look at verse 6. Jesus said to these disciples, "''Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some fish.' So they cast it. Now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish." Do you remember how many fish? Look at verse 11. "So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, 153 of them. And although there were so many, the net was not torn." Now all the details are important, and, if you'll forgive me, give a fisherman opportunity to tell fish stories. [Laughter] Just the fact that we get the quantity is important. Right? It's evidence of the grace of God. They'd been fishing and they haven't caught fish. And now Jesus said, "Cast the net on the other side." On my very first trip to the Holy Land, years ago now, we went to a particular place where they wanted to demonstrate to us what it would look like for ancient fisherman to be fishing. And so they had a recreation of an older boat and, you know, the fisherman dressed up in older clothes with the cell phones hidden in the folds. And. [Laughter] And then they cast their net out to show us what it'd mean to cast the net and pulled it back in. No fish. And one of the smart alecks in our group said, "Throw it on the other side." [Laughter] They did: No fish there either. But anyway. [Laughter] The whole point is, of course, that Christ was the one who was working beyond their wisdom, beyond their energies and efforts. They're fisherman; they know what to do. They've been fishing all night. It hasn't brought any success. And Jesus helps them. And the degree of help is that they catch both big fish and lots of them: 153. Why the number? Now, I must tell you, there are lots of commentaries both ancient and new on this. There is one ancient commentator who says that in this time in the ancient world there were presumed to be 153 different species of known fish. And the fact that 153 fish are listed is the evidence that the gospel is to go out to all species of people. Do you buy that? [Laughter] I didn't either. [Laughter] Somebody else has said this: That 153 is the triangulation of 17. By that they mean the triangulation sum: 1 plus 2 plus 3 plus 4 plus 5 all the way up to 17; if you add all those numbers up you get 153. So why 17? well, let's see, there were ten commandments. [Laughter] And then there were seven spirits that went out from God to establish the church. So 17. [Laughter] Do you buy that? I don't buy it either. [Chuckles] You know why I think it's 153? Listen, some of you have already been out fishing this spring, and I ask you at the door, "You been fishing?" "Yeah." "How many did you catch?" "Oh, I don't know." Lies. [Laughter] You know exactly how many you caught. [Laughter] We know how much we catch. Right? And we know how big they are. They're, I mean, you know. [Laughter] It's that note of reality where the Bible is saying there were 153. These are fisherman. They recognized the count is important. I mean, even the fact that they're identified as they were large fish. I mean, even that carries impact for us. One of my, one of my favorite speakers even yet is Dave Dravecky. Do you remember, the former pitcher for the Giants? And do you remember when his pitching career was over? Pitching against the Montreal Expos, he was in a recuperation period because he'd had cancer in his pitching arm in 1989, pitching against Tim Raines, he threw one too many pitches. And they said you could hear the snap of his arm throughout the whole stadium. It resulted in an amputation. Dave Dravecky is a very fine believer. And some of you may have heard him talk about his faith through a hard time and how the Lord sustained him and sustained his family and sustained his fishing. Because, he says, now whenever he goes fishing he catches fish this big. [Laughter] It's just this sweetness of the gospel being real with us, being human. We want to count. We want to know: Are they big? But, of course, the real measure of the grace of the gospel here isn't just the fish in the net: It's the fish on the fire. They get all these fish, and when they get all these fish, they remember an earlier event when they caught lots of fish. Remember? That happened earlier in the ministry. And now when they're out in this twilight hour, early morning, and they catch all these fish again, John whispers to Peter, "It's the Lord." And Peter has this wonderful reaction, right? He puts on his clothes and jumps in the water. Now we're going, now that doesn't make sense. Well, maybe he's just embarrassed if he thinks it's the Lord that he's going to go, you know, kind of stripped down for work. Or maybe, some say, he's got loose clothing, and so he's kind of tying it all up, girding it on his loins so he doesn't sink when he jumps in the water. Whatever the reason, the language is he throws himself in the water. I mean, it's just kind of like, you know, I'm going to make this happen. He's been given all these fish. He's been given the evidence of the Lord. And now suddenly he's just going to take matters into his own hands again. Peter dives in the water, throws himself in the water, gets to Jesus first, leaves the other to take care of the work of getting the boat into shore. And then gets to the shore. And these remarkable words. Are they intended? We can't say for sure. Verse 9, "When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread." Now, if you think 153 fish are a detail, think: Why mention charcoal fire now? I mean, there'd been charcoal fires, obviously, every day of their existence. Why mention it now, particularly with Simon Peter present? Because in the gospel of John, if you were to piece your way back through, you would find the last time a charcoal fire is mentioned is when Peter is warming himself over it when he does what? Denies Christ. That charcoal fire denying Christ: This charcoal fire provided breakfast. And when he is provided breakfast, he has fish provided but not only fish. Do you remember what else is there? Fish and? Bread. The last time Jesus provided fish and bread was what? Do you remember that? When He fed how many? Five thousand. And now it's as though Jesus is saying, "Listen, I don't just provide the big things; here is intimate care. For the one who has denied Me, for those who have run away from Me, here's some breakfast." I don't know what you see in all of this. It strikes me that what we're meant to see is that Jesus is willing to do miraculous things for messed up people. Surely that's on display. But beyond that, just to provide breakfast for the broken. Think how strange it was that when they get to the shore, Jesus already has the fish there. He's also providing the bread. And He says to Peter, "Go get some of your fish." And when Peter goes to get his fish, he knows something striking. Do you remember what it said? It's in verse 11, verse 11 toward the end, after the 153 fish are noted and although there were so many, the net was what? Not torn. Hey, if you catch a 12-pound bass on a 4-pound line, you expect it to break. If you catch 153 large fish on the nets of this time, you just expect them to be shredded. Here's what's happened: Peter girds himself up. He's going to go meet Jesus. And Jesus, as He sees him, says, "Peter, check your nets. They're not broken." What does Peter know? Whatever he has, whatever he eats, whatever provision is of Christ, not of his ability. Even the nets aren't broken. This is not my doing, not my wisdom, not my strength, not my skill. Those are neat things to know. Do you ever have one of those days when you had great blessing and you knew it had nothing to do with you whatsoever? My greatest fishing day ever, I went out to Idaho with a friend of mine who is a professional fisherman. And he invited me along. And we went fishing for steelhead. Steelhead are the largest freshwater trout. They breed in the, some of you know, they grow and they breed in the freshwater. They grow in the ocean. They get to be really big. They get to be this big. [Laughter] They're known as the fish of ten thousand casts, because it is so hard to catch even one. Had three days, fished the first day: I caught none. Fished the second day: I caught none. Fished the third day: On that day, we only had two hours, and in those two hours, I caught five. [Laughter] It was amazing. It was wonderful. [Laughter] Listen, I stood in this one place in a stream and I began to find out if I just stood on this one white rock. [Laughter] And I hit one place with my fly, I could catch fish. I caught five in those two hours. And what was even better is my professional pro fisherman friend didn't catch any. [Laughter] I even invited him to my white rock. [Laughter] I even gave him my rod. [Laughter] He couldn't catch 'em. I could. [Laughter] Do you know why? It was pure blessing. I didn't say luck. [Laughter] What was clear was he had far more skill than I. My catching fish was just what every fisherman knows: If you catch and you catch well, you can claim skill; it is blessing. [Laughter] If the nets don't break, if the boat fills with fish, and if your Savior isn't depending on that but giving you food that He's prepared Himself, you know that your blessing is of His hand and not yours. What does Peter know by the end? What do the other disciples know? He does miracles for messed up people like us. And He gives breakfast to broken people who really need His care. You want to see the care? Look at verse 12. Jesus said to these disciples, "'Come and have breakfast.' Now none of the disciples dared ask him, 'Who are you?' They knew it was the Lord." Now, I must tell you, I and no commentator really understands what's going on here. Wh--, why was it difficult to tell and identify Him? Is it still twilight so they can't quite see? Is He wearing some kind of cloak? Is He in some resurrection body form that He's not clear? I don't know. But what I read is "none dared to ask Him." The word "dared" there is the word for abject embarrassment. It's the same word earlier described of the scribes when they were trying to test Jesus and instead He turns questions back on them and He says, "Listen, why does David say about the Messiah that he will be David's son? How can he be David's Lord and David's son at the same time?" And the scribes, embarrassed because they don't know the answer, said, "None dared ask him a question anymore." They're embarrassed. And now here are the disciples, and they are looking at Jesus, the resurrected Lord who's providing breakfast for them, and they are hanging their heads. Maybe that's the reason they don't see Him, they don't recog--. They are in embarrassed shame. We're supposed to be catching men; we are catching fish. We're supposed to be announcing the destiny of the Lord of all creation; instead, we are down here wondering if He's still coming again. None dared ask Him. But He gave them fish and bread and a warm fire and His presence. And what they had to know was how great was His grace toward them. They didn't deserve it. They couldn't gain it. And He gave it. Why? Because of the sequel. If you look at verse 15, which I did not read to you, it will be what we will cover next week. "When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, 'Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?' He said to him, 'Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.' He said to him, 'Feed my lambs.'" I've got a mission for you. I've got a purpose for you. And now that you know how much I care for you, be about it. Why do I mention this to you? Why grace over and over again? Because, people of Grace Church, we've got a mission too. We've got a job ahead. The Lord has put wind in our sails. The Lord has given us a community to reach. The Lord has given us a heart for the gospel. The Lord has given us missionaries to support. The Lord has given us neighbors to say the gospel to. And we want to disqualify ourselves. I'm not worthy. I don't know enough. I'm not ready. And He says, "Well, wait a second: Of course you're not worthy. But I didn't call the perfect people. I called the sinners. Of course you're not capable. But My grace makes you capable. After all, I'm the one who makes miracles for messed up people and gives breakfast to broken people." Now tell somebody that. Because we were ministering to so many missionaries this past week, I just kind of reread some things that I had in the past: "The Biography of David Livingstone." Do you remember? The missionary who went into Africa when it was such a hard place to be, when missionaries took their coffins expecting to die. And he went and shared the gospel in a way that multiplied the message of God's love to millions. I read his biography again, these words, "When he was a teen, he began to reflect on his state as a sinner. He became anxious and frightened about his eternal destiny. But he was not willing to embrace the mercy of God offered in the gospel, because of a sense of unworthiness made him sense that he could not receive the blessing of God. 'I'm not worthy.' But then as he began to study over and over again the grace of God toward the unworthy, he wrote this later: 'I saw the great privilege of accepting the salvation offered by Christ and humbly believing that through His sovereign mercy and grace I may be enabled to receive Him, and having felt in some measure its effect of blessing upon my own deceitful heart, it became my desire to serve the cause of Him who died for me.'" You hear that? Love moved him. If His grace is so great for me, who doubted Him, whose own deceitful heart said He can't be merciful to me: When he finally recognized how great was the grace of God for him he says, "I want to serve His cause." It's the way it works. We will serve Him best when we know we are most loved. And that's what grace is doing, so much so that his biographer would later write, "Acts of self denial are very hard to do under the law of command. But those same acts we willingly give under the glow of divine love." When we know we are loved, then we willingly serve. And on Mother's Day, maybe it's important to say how Livingstone ultimately knew that grace. His biographer writes this: "In his humble home, five sons and two daughters were born to his mother. Two of the sons died in infancy to the great sorrow of the mother. But her attention to her children never lapsed. Her love had no crust to penetrate. But she continued to beam like the light of the sun the grace of God. Her son, David Livingstone, loved her and in many ways followed her. And it was her genial and gentle influence that ultimately moved him to understand the gospel and to take it to millions in Africa." Isn't that amazing? That is was a mother's heart for the gospel who taught her son how great was the grace of God that made him such an instrument of the mission of Jesus Christ. Why do I say that? My wife, Kathy, sometimes says that when mothers in that stage of life are overwhelmed by diapers and drool, she has to remind them: "You're caring for an eternal soul. This is your mission field. This is your blessing. That God has given you this one for eternity and perhaps even as that one knows grace through you to become an instrument of the grace to millions." Oh, you say, I'm not worthy of that. Well, of course you're not. [Laughter] But Jesus came to show miracles to the messed up and to give breakfast to the broken. And when you know that, you can say, "How great is His grace. He loved me so. Let me tell you that."